As usual, the weeks have been moving along quite nicely, and that's so odd to me. I get on BabyCenter and read about how many women are downright livid that they're still pregnant, about how they break down and cry anytime someone asks them how much longer they've got, and how they are ready to go to jail for murder if their family calls one more time and asks if they're gone into labor yet. :) For me, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. There are many things that have been rough - the aches in my bones, the difficulty sleeping, the stretch marks (ugh), the inability to cozy up next to Victor without making a scene, the overall lack of mobility that once was mine - but there have also been so many wonderful things that I have treasured. I have loved talking about my baby and my belly with people, total strangers even. I have loved having that belly loved on. I have had gorgeous skin that has not been a source of stress for nine, almost ten months now! I have watched my body change so much, watched it accommodate new life, and have felt that life thriving in me for around 25 whole weeks now. I have had the most pleasant dreams about this baby, and a peace about being a mother that I never knew (or thought) I'd have. And whenever I feel I cannot see an end in sight, that I will go on in total discomfort for the rest of my life, :) I remind myself of the good things. And since there are so many for me, it is fairly easy to turn that frown upside down. :)
Even so, it's getting harder. I am so thankful to have weekly appointments now, because I find myself living for them. "Just make it till Tuesday" has been my motto since my appointment last Wednesday. This appointment will be especially fun, because we'll be planning our induction date!
I had hoped to have Miles by this point. I had hoped for a small, or at least average-sized November baby. That's really all I've hoped for in this pregnancy, aside from the obvious healthy mom and baby. It looks, however, like I'll be having a rather large December baby, and that's the ONLY thing that's got me down. I don't care that I'm still pregnant, not at all. But my selfishness is getting the best of me - the selfishness that wanted that "little baby". Those don't run in our family, I know, but I wanted one anyway.
"You'll love him anyway." Oh heavens, YES! I know this very well. I will, I do! But who doesn't get an idea of how things will go in their minds and hope for those plans to pan out? I'm just looking at some of these clothes he has, and he's already outgrown them. My baby has already outgrown some of his clothes, and he's not even here yet. I hate that. If he's going to be getting bigger and bigger, it's not fair that I can't hold him through it. Instead, I'm just getting more stretch marks!
Wow! I'm being a lot more negative than I thought! Suppose it really IS getting harder, then, huh?? ;)
Emotions are a funny thing. Because while I'm wanting so much to go into labor this moment, I am simultaneously wanting to keep it at bay! Victor and I - we have a good thing going here! We have all our time to OURSELVES! It ours, ours, OURS! No sharing, no responsibilities, sleeping in when we want, eating when we want, doing what we want, it's been fan-flippin-tastic. I've had enough people tell me these days are soon to be gone that I'm panicking just a little. I don't WANT to give up the free time, the down time, the us time, the me time! I've never before been responsible for something 24/7. And for a first-timer of 24/7 responsibility, holy cow! What a thing to start with!
Oh, the hormones. I can pull myself out of this "I'm so ready, so NOT ready" cloud in an instant and laugh at myself. Everything's gonna be fine. These feelings are actually a little funny, and sooo not fair not being able to control them! :P
Ah, sweet baby. Just come on out and let's get this party started already! It's the waiting that's the killer! Oh, and if it's possible, try to manage that growing of yours, ok? I've gotta push you out of what I will soon be swearing was NOT made for nine pounds!!
Well readers - friends, family, heck - strangers, it's been fun. Crazy, emotional, but one fun ride. Driver, I think this is my stop. (...I think...)